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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Zoo Romance

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the Silverback gorilla's cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?" She replies. "Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Dog Chatter

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The first dog asked the second one why he was there. He replied by saying, "My owner has a really nice car and one day when he was taking me for a ride I just couldn't help myself I pissed all over the seats. He got really mad so he brought me here to be put to sleep." "Well then," the first dog said, "That is kinda what happened to me but a little different. Well you see my owner was kinda late coming home from work and I to couldn't help myself I crapped all over the new rug. So he to brought me here to put me to sleep." Then the two dogs asked the third one why he was there. The third dog said, "Well you see my owner likes to clean the house in the nude and one day when she was bending down to clean under the couch well I to couldn't help myself; I jumped on her back and had the ride of my life!" The first and second dog said, "Well let me guess she brought you here to have you put to sleep, right?" The dog replied, "Nope she brought me here to get my toe nails clipped."

Favorite Film

This math test can predict your favorite film (mine was Dead Pool 2)

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply by 3 again
Add the two digits together

Now discover your favorite film!

  1. Solo: A Star Wars Story
  2. Dead Pool 2
  3. Captain America
  4. Black Panther
  5. The Martian
  6. Avengers: Infinity War
  7. Isle of Dogs
  8. Ready Player One
  9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep
  10. Annihilation

Mary Had

Mary had a little sheep, with this sheep, she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram, and Mary had a little lamb.

Oh Baby!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife. "That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies. "You see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie. What else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats. "That's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl. "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie. I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby, and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

WIth a sigh of relief, the mother says, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"