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The Dirty Old Man...
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
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Retired
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."
Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.
When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that." Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.
Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"
Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"
Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."
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