Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A Cheese Sandwich.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
The Five Thousand Dollar Cow
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
My dad once told me that if a woman offers you coffee, she means sex.
Now i'm banned from Starbucks.
The Neighbor Needs a Vase
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said "my god you look so depressed." The neighbor said " you bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me...six dozen roses. Now you know what that means I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread." " Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?"