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Beautiful Music, Basic Names
A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard. "That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?" "That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'" "Oh. You know anything else?" The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called. "It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'" "Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs." So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him. "Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?" "Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"
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Hunting Accident
A guy is out hunting. He stops to pee, leans his weapon against a tree and….just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter. “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well I guess that isn't too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
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Facebook Post
I was offered sex today with a 21 year old girl. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I'm a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.
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