Failed Telephone Calls

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Why a Dog Licks His Butt

Q: You know why a dog licks his ass?
A: Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

Dogs Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
   a. Don't pee on the tree
   b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
   c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
   d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
   e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
   a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
   b. Don't eat off the buffet table
   c. Beg for goodies subtly
   d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
   e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
   a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
   b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
   c. Tolerate children
   d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!