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The best jokes and joke writers!

K9 Punishment

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.  The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"  The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.  I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." 

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"  The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "  The poodle asks, "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"  "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Puppy on a Plane

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.  Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him on board the airplane.  About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?", asked the stew? "Yes, I'm fine." said the man. Sometime later the flight attendant noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"  "Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."  'Whats wrong?" asked the flight attendant, "Isn't he house broken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Dog Chatter

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The first dog asked the second one why he was there. He replied by saying, "My owner has a really nice car and one day when he was taking me for a ride I just couldn't help myself I pissed all over the seats. He got really mad so he brought me here to be put to sleep." "Well then," the first dog said, "That is kinda what happened to me but a little different. Well you see my owner was kinda late coming home from work and I to couldn't help myself I crapped all over the new rug. So he to brought me here to put me to sleep." Then the two dogs asked the third one why he was there. The third dog said, "Well you see my owner likes to clean the house in the nude and one day when she was bending down to clean under the couch well I to couldn't help myself; I jumped on her back and had the ride of my life!" The first and second dog said, "Well let me guess she brought you here to have you put to sleep, right?" The dog replied, "Nope she brought me here to get my toe nails clipped."

Shady Dog

Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?

A: Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!

Cowboy Talks To Animals

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"