Dog Named Mypenis

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?  The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis  Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation:

• I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
• Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
• I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
• At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
• Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
• Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
• Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
• Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
• I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
• When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

Busted

Caught my wife having sex with my best friend.
She can pack her bags and get out and he's going back to the dog shelter.

Failed Telephone Calls

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.