Top 50 Jokes

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
9. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
10. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
11. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
12. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
13. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
14. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
15. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
16. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
17. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
18. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
19. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
20. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
21. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
22. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
23. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
24. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
25. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
26. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
27. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
28. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
29. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
30. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
31. The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
32. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
33. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
34. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
35. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
36. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
37. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
38. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
39. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
40. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
41. I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
42. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
43. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
44. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
45. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
46. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
47. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
48. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
49. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
50. SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!! Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.

Apples for Sale

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that's  a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!" He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

Women with Weapons

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
a.. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
b. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
c. A 9 mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
a.. All you'll ever need.
b.. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
d.. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
a.. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
b.. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
c.. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
a. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
b. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
c. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
a. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
b.. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
c. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
a. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
b. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs !
c. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ?  
a. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
b. What's a bra ?
c. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define "male."
a. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
b. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
c. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
a. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
b. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
c. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
a. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
b. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
c. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".