Kewl Job Application!

NAME: Iam Applyin
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

• SALARY: Less than I'm worth
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:  The nearest hospital comes to mind.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:  Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

Resume Bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Unique job Interviews

     Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

1. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
2. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
3. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
4. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
5. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
6. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
7. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
8. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
9. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
10. Candidate brought large dog to interview.
11. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
12. Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

1. "What is it that you people do at this company?"
2. "What is the company motto?"
3. "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
4. "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
5. "Why do you want references?"
6. "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
7. "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
8. "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
9. "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
10. "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
11. "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
12. "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
13. "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
14. "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

1. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
2. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
3. I feel uneasy indoors.
4. Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
5. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
6. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
7. I get excited very easily.
8. I am fascinated by fire.
9. I like tall women.
10. People are always watching me.
11. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
12. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
13. I never get hungry.
14. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
15. If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
16. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
17. I think I'm going to throw-up.