Conversion

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong". 
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian".  "What did you do?",  asked the lawyer.  "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.  "And what did he say?"  He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Vampire's One More Chance

There was a vampire who sucked people's blood for many centuries. God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hell!" The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good."
God agreed. Then the vampire said, ''I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud.'' ''That seems easy enough,'' replied God. ''I would also like to have wings like an angel.'' ''OK,'' replied God. Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request. ''God, if possible, could you let me suck a little blood?'' ''Sure,'' replied God, ''but only once a month.'' And he turned the vampire into a maxi pad with wings.

Getting a Nun Pregnant

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: F**k her.