Moving on Up

This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

If Men Ruled The World - Drinking

• Instead of a beer belly, you'd get beer biceps.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
• St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated monthly.
• Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

Insulting at Christmas

How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.