Santa Love

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Love,
Santa

New Years Resolution

Q: What's your New Years' resolution?
A: Hopefully 8K OLED 88''

Twas the Night Before Xmas

T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and through down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear. The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money the reindeers all fight, Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS, And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money, And the kids these days- they all are the pits. They want the impossible... Those mean little shits. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them, They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM. If you thinks that bad...just picture this, Try holding their pants full of piss. They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm weird. Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimmnys and skinning their knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment, There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season.