Words of Wisdom!

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things.... or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can't buy love, but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be damn proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me.... "We are all individuals."
• Death to all fanatics!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
•  Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Signs and Notices 13

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
• At fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
• From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
• In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
• In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

Betty Crocker Passes

Did you hear that Betty Crocker passed away? The funeral is set at 4:50 for ten to fifteen minutes.