Translating Menspeak

When He Says - He Really Means
Do you have the time? - to go to bed
Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? - in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. - I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. - Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

It's Your Choice

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

Polish Plane Landing

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, we 're almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot, "and WIDE too!"