Welcome to Hell

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. We call it Tequila Monday and that's all we do. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil: So... are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you're gonna HATE Fridays!

The Cannibal Test

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.  First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. 
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him.  You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.  
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.  When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked,"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

Wedding Tombstones

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"