Government Wrestling Federation

1. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
2. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
3. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
4. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
5. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
6. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids.
8. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
9. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
10. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
11. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
12. Line to body-slam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
13. Before: "Mr. Vice President." After: "Stone Cold Cheney"

Dallas Safe Zone

Q: Where are Dallas residents staying to avoid Ebola?
A: Cowboy Stadium.  They can't catch anything there.

Ten Best Caddy Responses

• 10: Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"
   
• 9: Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."
   
• 8: Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
   
• 7: Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually, sir."
   
• 6: Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
   
• 5: Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."
   
• 4: Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."
   
• 3: Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
   
• 2: Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago sir."
   
• And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."