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Sexist Jokes
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have". Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat. Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly. Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell. Advantages: Pays attention to you. Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite". Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy. Advantages: Predictable. Disadvantages: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom. Advantages: Often right. Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career? goals?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey. Advantages: Easily soothed. Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "Lez get drunk an' make love on a front lawn. Also known as: Fast girl, free wheeler, good time charleena, passed out. Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at". Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly. Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you". Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic. Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable. Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are". Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous. Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited. Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
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Why I Fired my Admin
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot." The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my admin greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy Birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my admin knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my admin said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
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A Question of Time
Q: Why don't women need to wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the oven!
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