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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Cheese Sandwich.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The Blonde Swears Off Men

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she had sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"  "So, what will you do when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.  "I'll just fake an orgasm like always!"

Clever Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BB's

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom. He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spaghetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways. Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's!"
"Well did it hurt you?" said the mom.
"No" said the girl.
"O.K. then don't worry it will go away." Then the little boy runs down stairs,
"Mommy mommy I just peed BB's!"
"Well did it hurt" she says?
"No" says the boy.
"O.K. then don't worry about it, it will go away." Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down -
"Honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!"

Too Much Sex

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor  you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that' s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."