Hillary and Clocks in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.''

Three Men to Pearly Gates

Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one space open for someone. He asked them how they died. "I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him. But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself." "I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then dropped a fridge on me." "I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."

Don't Step on a Duck!

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by St. Patrick himself and he said to the boys, "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity."
Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was encompassed by ducks and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homeliest colleens he'd ever laid eyes on. She said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time." 
Of course the exact same thing happened to Michael, only his companion was even the worse for the wear.  By this time, Tim was absolutely terrified.  He gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."