Demise of a partner

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..."  And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends, including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times. After an excellent round of golf they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven. The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back. "I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."

Reward for Faithfulness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth, I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you."
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."
The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation."
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four bedroom house and a BMW."
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation."
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

Hillary and Clocks in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.''