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The best jokes and joke writers!

Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”

Made for Each Other

A friend of mine had told me he signed up with one of these on-line dating services.  So, I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife!

A Kid's View on Marriage

A Kid's View on Marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

  • "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" - Eric, six years old
  • "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry?

  • "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kelly, nine years old
  • "My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." - Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

  • "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

  • "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
  • "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." - Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

  • "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, ten years old
  • "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." - Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

  • "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." - Allan, ten years old
  • "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

  • "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" - Kirsten, ten years old
  • "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" - Anita, nine years old
  • "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." - Will, seven years old

Misunderstood

My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her. "Hey what's up?" she said. "Oh nothing, it's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me," I replied. "Haha don't worry, I won't," she said reassuringly.

"I wanna lick it," I said. She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I said, "I knew you'd misunderstand."

Reasons For Being Stood Up

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up

  • I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
  • My dog died.
  • My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
  • I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
  • I overslept.
  • I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
  • I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
  • I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
  • Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
  • My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.