Perfect Valentine Gift

Q: What is a perfect Valentine's Day gift for a woman?
A: A chocolate covered credit card.

Red Silk Panties

After a few casual dates with one of his coworkers a young man decided to heat things up by having a pair of bright red silk panties delivered to her on the morning of Valentine's Day.  Anxious to find out what she thought of them, he met her that afternoon of at a local pub. Seeing her enter the establishment wearing a mini dress and high heels with gleeful smile across her face, his heart began to race. " Did you like the red silk panties I sent you for Valentine's Day," he asked anxiously? " Yes," she exclaimed with a squeal. "I couldn't wait to put them on." " Are you wearing them now," he asked almost swallowing his Adam's apple? Suddenly her once ecstatic face was replaced by a look of disturbed confusion. "Damn," she said, "I must have left them at my boyfriend's place." 

Vegas Sapp

Q: Why did Warren Sapp pay more than $600 to a couple of Vegas hookers for a blow job?
A: Because sapsuckers are a rare and endangered species.