Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Mommy's Little Helper

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.... "Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place." "But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

Voodoo Dick

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. One day, the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos. "Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection." However, after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him. "Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here." And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?" "This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise." All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door." The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer. Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box." The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?" "Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family heirloom and is not for sale." "Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, okay." So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man. The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'. With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was beginning to tire and getting a bit sore. She realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. The woman got into her car and raced to the hospital. While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over. "Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer. "Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I don't know how to stop it." To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"