You Must Be A Redneck If

• You recycle your own toilet paper
• Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
• You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
• You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
• Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
• The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
• Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
• You hunt from your bedroom window.
• Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
• You refrigerate your food stamps.
• You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
• You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
• Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
• You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
• You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
• You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
• You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
• The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D." and you respond "About whut?"
• You take a beer to a job interview.
• You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
• When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
• You go to Goodwill to meet women.
• You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

Med Student

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

• A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
• A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
• "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
• Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."