Bear Hunting

A hunter goes to the forest. He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me have my way with you. The hunter chose life.
He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices."
The hunter, sore for months after the ordeal, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

Dog Show

Q: Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
A: He got 16 months in prison.

Dog Named Mypenis

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?  The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis  Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation:

• I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
• Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
• I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
• At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
• Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
• Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
• Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
• Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
• I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
• When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.