Play Pens

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!" By the way - Mary is blonde.

Getting Old

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• You call Olan Mills before they call you.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
• You have dreams about prunes.
• You answer a question with "because i said so!"
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
• You go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Top 10 Ways to Confuse Santa Clause on Christmas

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas
10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!
9. While Santa's in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa's in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well? They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!"