A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
Redneck One Liners
You might be a redneck if...
- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
- You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
- Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
- Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Redneck Computer Terms
- Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
- Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
- Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
- Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
- Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
- Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
- Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
- Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
- Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
- Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
- Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
- Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
- Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
- Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
- Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
- Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
- Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
- Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
- Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
- Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
- Rom - Where the pope lives.
- Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
- Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
- Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
- Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
Q: What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
Q: What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A: A full set of teeth!