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The best jokes and joke writers!

Redneck Dayvorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

Redneck One Liners

You might be a redneck if...

  • Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
  • You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
  • You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
  • You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
  • Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
  • The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
  • You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
  • You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
  • You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
  • Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Redneck Computer Terms

  • Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
  • Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
  • Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
  • Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
  • Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
  • Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
  • Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
  • Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
  • Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
  • Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
  • Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
  • Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
  • Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
  • Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
  • Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
  • Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
  • Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
  • Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
  • Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
  • Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
  • Rom - Where the pope lives.
  • Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
  • Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
  • Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
  • Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Redneck Tornado

Q: What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

32 Hillbillies

Q: What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?

A: A full set of teeth!