Life Is Cruel

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela LeeAnderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra pounds the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.
What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey... words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm... 'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."

Road Lessons

While on a trip with the family, I thought it would be good to teach my 5 year old daughter some things. As we past a sign I told her that is the name of the town for the next exit. As we past the exit I told her how we were passing the town. A few exits later she noticed the sign for gas. As we passed the exit, much to her delight, she informed us we were passing gas. 

Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"