Doctor Predicts Longevity

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.  
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Johnny Being Johnny

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Paddy Hangs

Paddy's in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.
"I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't fookin' breathe!"