Qualities of an Ideal Company

1. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
2. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
3. "Sorry I'm late, but I'm still drunk from last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
4. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus, right into your car.

Moving on Up

This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

St. Patrick's Day

Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
A: On St. Patrick's Day everyone wishes they were Irish.