Fire Truck

A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles . “That’s a nice fire engine,” says the man. “But wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?” “Yes,” says the boy. “But then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Andy Rooney Quotes

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• I am in shape. Round's a shape!
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
• Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Subjects For a Date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"