Keeping Time

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.
“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.
“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Collection of Insults

• For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
• You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
• You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
• I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
• I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
• You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
• Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
• You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
• I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
• I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
• I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck, now I have a much lower opinion of you.

What Day Is It

My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband quickly answered, "Election day." The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President. The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!