Family Traveling to Military Base

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

Wellington

My son wants Wellington boots for his birthday. He has no chance. I'm not traveling all the way to New Zealand just for footwear.

You Might Be A Redneck 53

You might be a redneck if...

• You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
• You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
• You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
• Your house has a kickstand.
• You drive around a parking lot for fun.
• Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
• You have to duct tape your gloves on.
• You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
• Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
• You think that Marlboro is a cologne.