The Australian Christmas

|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh. Never have a white Christmas! When you in Melbourne live. Wearing hot pants on the beach, When you your presents give. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh. Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk Castles in the sand! Eating ice-cream, having good talks. Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

Blonde Lantern

Q: What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
A: Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Smart Turkey

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November.  "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."