Random: How Come?

• What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What?Are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
• What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
• Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is that about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
• Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
• Why do people give each other flowers to celebrate various important occasions? They're killing living creatures. Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
• Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
• If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Notification Regarding Language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase - New Phrase

1. No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible.
2. You're fucking joking - Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..........
4. No cunt told me - I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time - Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares? - Are you sure that is the problem?
7. Eat shit and die. - You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker. - You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my ass - So you would like me to help you?
10. He's a fucking prick. - He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit - I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue - You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked - We are a little disorganized today
14. What sort of fucker are you? - You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head - Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker - You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you - I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks - We need to look into this some more
19. I ain't got no cunt - I am rather short of labor
20. Fuck off - I'll look into that and get back to you

Hmmm...Ponderings

• What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
• Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.
• "Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
• Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
• Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
• If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
• Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
• Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
• Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
• How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
• All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
• Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
• Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
• Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
• Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.