Guaranteed Visits

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Russian Roulette

Q: What's the loss record for Pro Russian roulette players?
A: One

Old Never Dies

• OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
• OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
• OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six
• OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
• OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
• OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
• OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
• OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
• OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
• OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop
• OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
• OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring
• OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
• OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen
• OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times