A Forester And A Lawyer

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, "here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy!"  And "if there is anything you need, just let me know." Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Light Bulb - Waiter

Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

And How Are You

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with his automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindedness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer. "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.