Old Lady's House Ransacked

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied, "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy." 

Geek Booty Call - Palm

You make me wanna use my palm.

Bar Ghost Encounter

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into their car. After they've been driving for a while, they see a ghostly face appear at the window. "It's a ghost, dude!" "Roll down the window, ask him what he wants!" The driver rolls down the window, and asks the ghost. "You got a smoke?" They give him a smoke, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns. "You got a light?" They give a light, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns. "You guys need help getting out the mud?"