Best Tree for Dogs

Q: What is a dog's favorite tree?
A: The dogwood.

Anything You Want

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition. 'Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. 'The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...'Paint my house.'

Spouse Respect

I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.