First Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Nude Marathoner

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"  Ralph looked out the window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."