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Memories
An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another old man sits down next to him and says, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again."
"So, what the hell is the problem?"
"You don't understand... I forgot where I live!"
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Floating Condom
Reverend Smith visits Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishioners in his church. Reverend Smith notices that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ sits a bowl which contains a condom floating in water. Befuddled, Reverend Smith asks her to explain this. "Oh, Reverend Smith," she replies, "I found that lying on the street corner, and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease. Frankly, I haven't been sick all year."
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The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, that I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, a sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, and he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, as each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, when down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, he looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, the next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, so I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.I
n time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
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