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Nature of Hell
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
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Spicy 50th Honeymoon
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
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The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, that I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, a sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, and he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, as each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, when down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, he looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, the next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, so I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.I
n time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
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