Lemon Pennance

A guy goes into the church confessional and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I slept with five different women last night.” The priest says, “Go home, squeeze five lemons into a glass, and drink it all as fast as you can.” “And I will be forgiven?” asks the man. “No,” the priest says, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”

Like Jesus

On Easter, Jesus rose from the dead. He'd been whipped, spat on, flogged, humiliated, and crucified.
In fact, he was beaten so badly you'd think he flew United.

Talk with God

MAN: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.
GOD: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.
MAN: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.
GOD: I know I made them for her so you would love her.
MAN: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.
GOD: I know..I made her that way so she could love YOU!