Confucius - Church

Confucius say...
Fart in church and you’ll sit in your own pew.

Docs Go To Heaven

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven." The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good -- you can go in too." The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate. "Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter. So the doc told him exactly what that involved. "Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too." So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

Lord, What's a Man?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great!" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?" "Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."