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Relationship Jokes - Man Criticizes Woman

Male Translations
What a man really means:
- "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
- "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
- "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
- "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
- "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
- "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
- "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."
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Wishes Granted
An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"
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Dying Wives!
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, " and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"
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