Say Something Nice

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a compliment right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye - sight!"

Female Seminars

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)
1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Male Translations

What a man really means:

•  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
• "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
• "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
• "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
• "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
• "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
• "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
• "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."