Live To Be 100

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?" God said, "I didn't recognize you".

Parlor Trick

Q: How do you get a 90 year old lady to yell fuck?
A: Get another 90 year old to yell "BINGO!"

Getting Old

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• You call Olan Mills before they call you.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
• You have dreams about prunes.
• You answer a question with "because i said so!"
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
• You go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.