Early Warning

Q: How can you tell when you're getting old?
A: You start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Grandma Time

When I was a little boy I felt bad that my Grandmother lived alone and had no one to spend her time with.  One day when I was visiting her I asked, "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend?" to which she replied, "Well I don't need one honey, because the TV is my boyfriend.  You see, she continued, when I want company he's there for me, or when I need to laugh, or learn about the world, I have him, and when I just want to hear his voice as I fall asleep, he's there for me then too, its all I need. The TV is the best boyfriend I could ask for."  Suddenly the TV went static and I saw the look of concern on her face, she got up from her bed and started banging on the side of it, in effort to get the picture to come back. Just then the doorbell rang, it was her parish priest coming to check on her. He asked me "Is your Grandmother available son?" I said to him, "You'll have to give her a minute, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend"

How Does A Man Keep His Youth?

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.