Rest Your Mind

Q: Why do baby diapers have names like "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
A: When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em.  When old people crap in their pants it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Shades of Grey

My wife said she wanted to see 50 shades of grey.
So I took a photo of her hair.

His Penis Has Died

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"