Marriage Pledge Keeps Fitness

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Keep the Motor Running

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
5. Sing along at the opera
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"