Mom would never say

Things Mom Would Never Say:
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too" "
Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

Dog Prayers

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?" Bernie: "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on," says the Rabbi. "YES!" says Bernie. Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple. "Bernie: "Its true!" "OK", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do." "OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke and a tallit, puts them on his head, and prayer book, and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?" Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

West Virginia Virgin

Q: How can you tell if a West Virginia girl is a virgin?
A: If she can run faster that her brothers.