Horrible Christmas Gift

Q: What did the deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Twas the Night Before Xmas

T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and through down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear. The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money the reindeers all fight, Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS, And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money, And the kids these days- they all are the pits. They want the impossible... Those mean little shits. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them, They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM. If you thinks that bad...just picture this, Try holding their pants full of piss. They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm weird. Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimmnys and skinning their knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment, There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season.

Christmas Pageant

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.  Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"