Cat St. Nick

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with St. Nick?
A: Santa Claws!

Christmas and Hanukkah Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.  The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, that I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, a sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, and he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, as each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, when down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, he looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, the next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, so I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.I
n time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"