102 Years Old

Journalist: "So Frank, congratulations on turning 102, we're writing a story about your everyday life. What is the first thing you do in the morning?"
Frank: "I take a piss.....oooh I piss so much!"
Journalist: "Okay Frank, but I can't write that in the paper, what's the second thing you do in the morning?"
Frank: "I shit, oh boy do I shit!"
Journalist: "Frank, come on, I can't write that in the paper either, what's the third thing you do in the morning?"
Frank: "I get up..!"  Journalist: "Thank you"

North and South Fairytales

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

You Are No Longer Young

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• You know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions TWEETING you picture birds singing.