Beat Them

Some people say, "If you can't beat them, join them." I say, "If you can't beat them, beat them," because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Iraqi vs. American

Iraqi vs. American
Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors.
Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park.
Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation.
Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards.
Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country.
Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty.
Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West.
Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies.
Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise.
Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die.
Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest.
Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip.
Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius.
Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein.

Stomach Pains

An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"